There are always many ‘ifs’ when Manchester United meet Liverpool, but for once it can be said that their coming clash is all about the butts.

One delivered by the head of Darwin Nunez and the other about the Devils being the butt of worldwide jokes.

Would-be Martian coloniser Elon Musk sent United’s share price soaring until he admitted he wasn’t serious about buying the club.

At least his quip afforded fans a brief – albeit false – hope of removing the Glazers.

And this was followed by a more genuine inquiry from the UK’s richest man, Jim Ratcliffe, a United fan in his youth.

Meanwhile, Nunez has given them a genuine glimmer of getting something against Liverpool.

Had the Uruguayan not lost the plot against Crystal Palace, we might have been expecting a repeat of last season’s 5-0 Old Trafford annihilation.

Liverpool had the decency to “declare” at that point before winning the return 4-0 at Anfield.

Their superiority was manifest but now there are question marks up front and in midfield.

Sadio Mane is a huge loss and the jury is very much out on his hot-headed £85m replacement.

Thiago’s latest injury has caused a tweak in formation and for all Harvey Elliott’s wonderful energy, the Spaniard’s killer passes will be missed.

It’s small beer, though, compared to the tortured, soul-bearing going on at United.

Never has this clash seen the two so low in the table: but that’s what makes Monday night’s (Tuesday 3am in Malaysia) so fascinating.

One has a team that can’t score; the other has a scorer the team can’t stand.

One will be missing the last piece of the jigsaw, the other needs a whole new puzzle.

But the loss of the Reds’ leading striker amid a stuttering start does offer United a sliver of encouragement.

With everything going wrong, could the Devils be like a cornered tiger and fight for their lives?

An early goal would get the crowd behind them and a wounded Liverpool, weakened by injuries, might wobble.

Well, United fans will be dreaming of such a scenario as well as some new blood.

With 12 days of the transfer window left, surely somebody from somewhere will sign for them.

But judging by the names being mentioned, it could literally be anyone from anywhere.

That’s the sorry state of affairs at Old Trafford as new boss Erik ten Hag desperately seeks reinforcements.

But instead of behaving like one of Europe’s aristocrats, they are like the last bloke on the dance floor who’s left with a couple of scrubbers no one else wants.

And we haven’t mentioned a once-coveted Portuguese gentleman who could do the so-called “love of his life” a massive favour by getting the hell out of her hair.

Surely, no one can say bringing Cristiano Ronaldo back has been anything but a disaster.

For him as well as the club.

He says he’ll soon tell the truth, but all the signs are that his presence casts a pall over the dressing room.

He hardly speaks to his teammates, has fallen out with the manager, left the ground before a game had finished after being subbed…

You can’t imagine the great managers tolerating this – least of all Alex Ferguson. Yet it was Fergie who diverted him from The Etihad.

If the legendary boss still has a contribution to make at the age of 80, it is surely to admit it was a mistake.

And if those wise-men think-tanks with David Gill and Bryan Robson are going to serve any purpose, this would be one positive example.

The ten Hag reign began full of optimism but the mood changed when Ronaldo returned. He may dispute this, but it’s hard not to see that he’s the problem.

The players and ten Hag will know so it’s up to the manager to remove the bad smell even if it means the goals may be even harder to come by for a while.

And no one can stink a place out like an unhappy prima donna.

Not until the boil is lanced will the pain ease – that’s how United have to look at this now.

It may be a stretch to blame CR7 for David de Gea’s mistakes, Jadon Sancho’s ineffectiveness, Marcus Rashford’s loss of form and Bruno Fernandes’ loss of interest.

But mistakes are more likely to happen when spirits are sagging and confidence is low – especially against well-drilled and motivated opponents.

Indeed, unhappy dressing rooms are seldom successful.

Ten Hag is already being compared to compatriot Frank de Boer who endured a dire, pointless five-game nightmare at Palace before he was put out of his misery.

But ten Hag impressed in pre-season, has a far better record than De Boer and built a real dynasty at Ajax.

He deserves a chance but the club must back him and get rid of Ronaldo.

A last-minute deal with Atletico Madrid still looks possible despite the fans’ opposition.

Another attempt to prise Frenkie de Jong out of Barcelona should be made even if he prefers to go to Chelsea.

United need to back their manager and be seen to be backing him. As John Barnes has said, Jurgen Klopp and Pep Guardiola have been given their authority back.

Klopp will have been incandescent with Nunez, who will now miss three games and whose short fuse will become a target of every opponent from now on.

It’s a complication Liverpool could have done without as they try to bed him in and learn to adjust to life without their Senegalese star.

Fortunately for them, Luis Diaz is turning out even better than expected and with Elliott showing a vision and maturity beyond his 19 years, the outlook is still bright.

Four points have been unexpectedly lost but last season, Liverpool almost overcame a 14-point gap on City albeit with a couple of games in hand.

And there’s nothing like beating United to kickstart a season.

But much can happen in this fixture and it should be well worth setting the alarm for.

The views expressed are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of FMT.